went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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