You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
