Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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