My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
