My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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