so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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