i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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