"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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