We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
