When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
