Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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