I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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