i already hear my dad disowning me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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