For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
