It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it's great music for shaving your balls
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
