Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
