do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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