We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
