You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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