remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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