Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
