Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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