there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
