I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
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he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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