Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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