I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
