he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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