I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
