you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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