Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
