I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There r osticjed everywhere
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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