I want to have your abortion
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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