Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
