there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
