Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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