I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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