I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Come on in and take your pants off
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