So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
