peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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