I'm pants shitting drunk right now
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
