I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
