i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
