and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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