Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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