I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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