I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I can text with my tongue
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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