I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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