just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
