I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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