I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
