Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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