Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
