So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
