my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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