Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Text me some of your sweat
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize