She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I want you more than these girls want KFC
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
