He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
