I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
