I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
In America we eat man semen.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
