I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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