i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
